Well, I'm writing this post at 4:00 am, so you know it's not going to be good. Also, disclaimer. There will be no butterflies, cotton candy, unicorns or any other good, happy things in this post. Feel free to run away now.
Well, you can follow me and then run away if you like =)
So here goes...
I just woke up from the worst dream I've ever had. One of those 'Inception' type dreams where you wake up and you're not completely sure what reality actually is at the moment. Where you wake up exhausted, feeling like your body just exerted every emotion you have in some alternate reality.
I had a dream that my husband died. But the madness didn't stop there. In my dream I came back to my empty house, alone. I hated God with every inch of my being. I was furious and told myself that I would never love him again. I got into my bed and lamented that no one lay beside me. I wept. I shouted. I grieved.
It was so real, so very very real. I find myself still emotional, almost an hour later.
When I woke up, I just held on to Nate for dear life, trying to remember that he was there. Present. Lying next to me.
Then God started talking to me.
I'm not here to sit in judgment and say that if this tragedy occurred that I wouldn't be devastated.
But here's what God brought to light for me:
Am I really loving God first and Nate second? Who am I going to when my identity needs reaffirmed, my Savior or my husband? When doubts arise, who's truth am I leaning on? Who is my portion? My strength?
It is sooo easy for me to slip into a lifestyle of making Nate my idol - the thing I place the most value in, above my Jesus. When this happens, things begin to fall apart. I can't love God OR love Nate like I was meant to love and serve him.
C.S. Lewis once said,
When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.
So this is what I'm taking out of this horrible night. At 4:00am on January 19, 2012, I am putting Christ back on the throne of my life. I am putting my faith, my trust, my hopes and fears, and my identity in HIM alone. I will treasure the gift that He has given me in my husband, but will not expect Nate to be my Savior, and will not cheapen our marriage by making him and our relationship an idol in my life.
I am fully aware that I may have to make this decision again even tonight before I fall back asleep. I may have to make it 100 times even tomorrow.
But the joy, I believe, is in making it.