I'm not gonna lie, these past few weeks have been hard. Awesome, and hard at the same time. Let's start with the awesome:
- I'm in Wildwood, New Jersey serving on a summer project with CRU.
- My staff team is sooo sexy. We have such a good mix of wisdom (aka old people) and energy (aka me, who can't sit still to save my life).
- We have 60 students here who are all passionate about serving Jesus and telling other people about him. They have been a refreshment to my soul.
- Our staff kids are so stinkin' adorable that I now want to have like 10 million babies. Nate is not yet aware of my plan but I'm thinking he'll be all for it.
- Wildwood has a Boardwalk with a Funnel Cake stand. Enough said.
Now for the hard. Amongst all this awesomeness I feel like it's been such a struggle to connect with God. This has actually been a theme for the past couple of months. More than God, I don't really feel like I'm connecting with life. It is as if I'm standing still and people are in a blur of motion all around me. I'm stuck in this state of being- stagnate, unmoving, rooted in the weight of something I can't see. I'm unable to grasp ahold of any moving thing around me to pull me out of this sludge of my spirit.
Does that make sense? I don't even know if I understand it, honestly.
And along with this 'spirit sludge' comes the shame of knowing that I could be doing so much more for Jesus. I could be loving him so much more intimately, pursuing Him with so much more of myself. I could BE more and yet, I'm not. I fight the shadow of His disappointment that I perceive to be covering me: smothering me.
And then, peering into my sludge comes one of the most simple sayings holding one of the most profound truths.
I am made righteous by the righteousness of another.
If I didn't write another blog post, win another person to Christ, encourage one more person, if I did nothing of any importance, God would love me exactly the same as He does right now. My goodness, performance, activity energy etc. has no effect on my righteousness. THANK THE LORD. My 'right-ness' with God is based not on my goodness, or merit, but on that of Jesus. He has made me right with God. He has paved the way for me to enter God's presence. My righteousness is based on Him and therefore cannot be lessened, lost, or diminished in any way.
God is soooo good. This sludge is slowly washing away to reveal the beauty of the gospel that I have ignored for so long.
Please don't allow the sludge to keep you stuck in the darkness thinking you are responsible for the grace God gives you. Speak this truth to yourself DAILY.